struggling

I am about 40% motivated right now. I don't want to gain anything until my mom comes home, in December-- which is pretty stupid I know, but I just can't get past that line of reasoning. I lost 3lbs last week, so my BMI is officially in the 15s instead of the 16s.

Honestly though, now I just want to lose. I went out to dinner with my Dad last night and I feel so, so guilty about it because when I eat out with my parents, I try really hard to be normal, to finish the food, etc. We ate ate an italian resto which has a prix fixe menu, antipasti, pasta main and dessert. The portions were all very reasonable, not too big or anything but I am just thinking about how I can "undo" the "effects" of that meal even though in my rational mind I know that I won't gain weight from 1 meal alone.

UGH. I am just kind of lonely, and depressed, and wanting to dissapear until winter break. I don't know..

ergh.

So, I am not going to see my mom for about 6 weeks. She is in the Democratic Republic of Congo for her job, which is a little scary but it's going to be okay. That means no more weekend vacations from my life, no more little boosts in weight (even if they are short lived) over the weekend, either.

To be honest, I am scared. I am scared that if I don't have those gaps, I really will go downhill and succumb to the ED entirely. I am tricking myself into only eating about 600-700 calories, which seems like a lot these days.

I just need to make it to December.

:[