sick!

Ughhh. If there was ever a time that I least wanted to go to work it is today. I feel like I have been hit by a train. Therefore, this post is just to say, I need to keep pushing. I need to come to terms with the fact that I do, indeed need to get out of thinking that just because my body can stay at Xlbs, does NOT mean it should.

I have been trying to really work on this, because although it's kind of a superficial mantra to adopt, it is the one I am most struggling with right now (that is, I am struggling with the idea of weight gain, I am eating but not enough to gain...enough to maintain but a weight that a 22 year old my height should not be), and I think that it has a lot of roots in less superficial areas/issues but right now those don't matter.

I honestly don't know how to break through this barrier, besides the obvious "just doing it" which is easier said than done. BUT I know that the longer I go, using the excuse that "at least I'm eating something" the longer I stay in my anorexia, the longer it remains in control.

That said, I have made some good progress this past week. I have eaten a whole entire bagel with cream cheese every day for breakfast for a week. To those who may scoff at this, please don't, as it was a major challenge/accomplishment for me. Also, I have been getting better at eating something before work, like a Luna Bar, or a latte in order to get through the shift, which I hadn't previously been doing. So... obviously I am a fan of baby-steps but I am a little worried that the longer I take to get the small stuff done, the harder it will be to do the "big" (pardon the pun) stuff, like gain weight.

It's also kind of frustrating (my inability to get down with the whole weight-gain idea) because Jan isn't even asking me to get into my GWR that I would have to get into if I was in the hospital, she is really only asking for 10 or 15lbs, which yes, is really scary but not the 25-30 I would be doing if I was at Hopkins...

I just get frustrated sometimes, at the two opposing voices in my head, and how often they scream at each other.

tricky POV

In the past while in treatment I have always been horrified at those patients who complain and whine about how "hard it is" and how much they hate that they can't trust themselves to do the right thing, even when faced with some sort of ultimatum (usually because I am referring to times inpatient, this meant privileges). It always seemed like a cop-out to me, like they were giving the disease the control and then complaining when they had to face the consequences.

Lately though, I have been coming to terms with how possible it really is to trick yourself into thinking that you're doing way more than you are, or making the right decision and then looking back on that decision and becoming totally frustrated with how off your perception was. Similarly, how easy it is to talk yourself out of something that you know, intellectually at the very least, is right.

What I mean (ie. to be blunt/put it into non-theoretical terms) is that I have been coming up very short in my intake, even after my vow (which I still stand by) to try harder, eat more, freak out less. Basically, I am still restricting and somehow rationalizing it, which is even scarier. I am counting the calories and still coming up way short of even 2,000 yet it either happens that in the moment I think that I truly am getting enough in or I just scare myself into not doing the right thing, even though I really WANT to. It is that dichotomy that is the most frightening, because it really does feel like a physical barrier, my consciousness, that is. I will go into a situation knowing what I should do, and then talk myself out of it all the while cursing my lack of self-control over the anorexia.

So, I feel very stuck right now, and very discouraged. I told my therapist that it was the same sensation you get when you walk up the ladder of the high-dive with every intention of jumping off, but at the last second when you look over the edge of the board, you chicken out and curse every step on the way down, because you wanted to, but couldn't bring yourself to jump off.

fresh start?

I don't even know what made me start a blog. Intellectually, I am against publicising one's life. I abhor Twitter, and Facebook, and I think that constant availability paired with the inherent narcissism of people today (don't think I don't include myself) is a killer combination that I try to avoid. BUT, I am also a big fan of "making things official" especially in terms of milestones related to my ED so... here we are. I don't really want to go into my history with anorexia (although, maybe... later), because it's really not important right now.

What is important is that today, Monday October 19th- I choose recovery. I chose to wake up and eat what my therapist has been suggesting for weeks, if not months now: a bagel with an ounce of real, full-fat cream cheese. I chose to only briefly obsess about the liquid calories in my 8oz of Naked Juice, and I chose to count the calories, write them down and then throw that sheet of paper away. I am going to choose to eat lunch today. I am going to choose to go to my classes instead of going back to my apartment and taking a nap because I feel "too fat" to be seen by my classmates.

All of these choices are uncomfortable, and make me want to crawl out of my skin and hibernate for a while. But, even though they are hard decisions to make, I am going to bite the proverbial bullet and stick to them, because for too long now, I have made the easy choices, and let anorexia choose my life path for me and let my anorexic thoughts assert themselves before my thoughts.

I have never truly tried to "do the right thing" for myself. It has always been a short lived attempt at appeasing someone else, or avoiding more dire circumstances. For example, eating for my mom so she wouldn't freak out, or eating for a brief spate to stave off (or just prolong the time until) a hospitalization. That's why I guess I thought today would be the day that I totally contradict myself and start a blog. NOT a food-blog or a talk-about-my-illness blog, but a blog that is true to ME and my journey, my everyday choice to be well.

So, at the risk of sounding repetitive... Today, Monday October 19th 2009, I choose recovery.

-emm