sick!

Ughhh. If there was ever a time that I least wanted to go to work it is today. I feel like I have been hit by a train. Therefore, this post is just to say, I need to keep pushing. I need to come to terms with the fact that I do, indeed need to get out of thinking that just because my body can stay at Xlbs, does NOT mean it should.

I have been trying to really work on this, because although it's kind of a superficial mantra to adopt, it is the one I am most struggling with right now (that is, I am struggling with the idea of weight gain, I am eating but not enough to gain...enough to maintain but a weight that a 22 year old my height should not be), and I think that it has a lot of roots in less superficial areas/issues but right now those don't matter.

I honestly don't know how to break through this barrier, besides the obvious "just doing it" which is easier said than done. BUT I know that the longer I go, using the excuse that "at least I'm eating something" the longer I stay in my anorexia, the longer it remains in control.

That said, I have made some good progress this past week. I have eaten a whole entire bagel with cream cheese every day for breakfast for a week. To those who may scoff at this, please don't, as it was a major challenge/accomplishment for me. Also, I have been getting better at eating something before work, like a Luna Bar, or a latte in order to get through the shift, which I hadn't previously been doing. So... obviously I am a fan of baby-steps but I am a little worried that the longer I take to get the small stuff done, the harder it will be to do the "big" (pardon the pun) stuff, like gain weight.

It's also kind of frustrating (my inability to get down with the whole weight-gain idea) because Jan isn't even asking me to get into my GWR that I would have to get into if I was in the hospital, she is really only asking for 10 or 15lbs, which yes, is really scary but not the 25-30 I would be doing if I was at Hopkins...

I just get frustrated sometimes, at the two opposing voices in my head, and how often they scream at each other.