fresh start?

I don't even know what made me start a blog. Intellectually, I am against publicising one's life. I abhor Twitter, and Facebook, and I think that constant availability paired with the inherent narcissism of people today (don't think I don't include myself) is a killer combination that I try to avoid. BUT, I am also a big fan of "making things official" especially in terms of milestones related to my ED so... here we are. I don't really want to go into my history with anorexia (although, maybe... later), because it's really not important right now.

What is important is that today, Monday October 19th- I choose recovery. I chose to wake up and eat what my therapist has been suggesting for weeks, if not months now: a bagel with an ounce of real, full-fat cream cheese. I chose to only briefly obsess about the liquid calories in my 8oz of Naked Juice, and I chose to count the calories, write them down and then throw that sheet of paper away. I am going to choose to eat lunch today. I am going to choose to go to my classes instead of going back to my apartment and taking a nap because I feel "too fat" to be seen by my classmates.

All of these choices are uncomfortable, and make me want to crawl out of my skin and hibernate for a while. But, even though they are hard decisions to make, I am going to bite the proverbial bullet and stick to them, because for too long now, I have made the easy choices, and let anorexia choose my life path for me and let my anorexic thoughts assert themselves before my thoughts.

I have never truly tried to "do the right thing" for myself. It has always been a short lived attempt at appeasing someone else, or avoiding more dire circumstances. For example, eating for my mom so she wouldn't freak out, or eating for a brief spate to stave off (or just prolong the time until) a hospitalization. That's why I guess I thought today would be the day that I totally contradict myself and start a blog. NOT a food-blog or a talk-about-my-illness blog, but a blog that is true to ME and my journey, my everyday choice to be well.

So, at the risk of sounding repetitive... Today, Monday October 19th 2009, I choose recovery.

-emm