tricky POV

In the past while in treatment I have always been horrified at those patients who complain and whine about how "hard it is" and how much they hate that they can't trust themselves to do the right thing, even when faced with some sort of ultimatum (usually because I am referring to times inpatient, this meant privileges). It always seemed like a cop-out to me, like they were giving the disease the control and then complaining when they had to face the consequences.

Lately though, I have been coming to terms with how possible it really is to trick yourself into thinking that you're doing way more than you are, or making the right decision and then looking back on that decision and becoming totally frustrated with how off your perception was. Similarly, how easy it is to talk yourself out of something that you know, intellectually at the very least, is right.

What I mean (ie. to be blunt/put it into non-theoretical terms) is that I have been coming up very short in my intake, even after my vow (which I still stand by) to try harder, eat more, freak out less. Basically, I am still restricting and somehow rationalizing it, which is even scarier. I am counting the calories and still coming up way short of even 2,000 yet it either happens that in the moment I think that I truly am getting enough in or I just scare myself into not doing the right thing, even though I really WANT to. It is that dichotomy that is the most frightening, because it really does feel like a physical barrier, my consciousness, that is. I will go into a situation knowing what I should do, and then talk myself out of it all the while cursing my lack of self-control over the anorexia.

So, I feel very stuck right now, and very discouraged. I told my therapist that it was the same sensation you get when you walk up the ladder of the high-dive with every intention of jumping off, but at the last second when you look over the edge of the board, you chicken out and curse every step on the way down, because you wanted to, but couldn't bring yourself to jump off.